What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling with Conception

Vicky’s Experience with Hurtful Comments

Vicky Levens faced her third miscarriage, and the following day she returned to her job as a receptionist. Two supervisors, whom she claims were aware of her emotional journey, delivered remarks that left her feeling wounded. A female manager remarked, “At least” Vicky was early in her pregnancy, while a male manager criticized her appearance in the workplace. “I was in shock,” says Vicky, 29, from Belfast. The comments prompted her to resign on the next shift.

Common Misguided Remarks

Throughout her struggle to conceive, Vicky encountered well-intentioned but often unhelpful remarks from friends and family. Phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope” were frequent, along with advice that sometimes felt dismissive. “I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” Vicky explains, who began attempting to have a baby in 2020. “But, in the moment, when you’re navigating the process, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”

The Emotional Toll of Fertility Struggles

Vicky is not alone in facing insensitive comments during her fertility journey. Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience in a Woman’s Hour episode titled “Guide to Life.” She noted that most ill-considered remarks are unintentional but can feel deeply hurtful. “Someone really close to me sat me down just before I started IVF and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,’ ” Kay recalls.

Statistics on Fertility Challenges

According to NHS data, approximately one in seven couples face difficulties in conceiving. In the UK, over 50,000 patients underwent IVF cycles in 2023—where eggs are fertilized in a lab and the embryo is implanted into the woman’s uterus. However, individuals undergoing fertility treatment often find conversations about the topic emotionally taxing.

Cultural and Social Pressures

Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, described the stigma surrounding infertility. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says, “because that is what your body’s meant to do so you feel like you’re failing yourself.” Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, added that in some South Asian communities, women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage face relentless judgment. Relatives often question a woman’s femininity, blaming her for career focus or not marrying young enough. Asiya withdrew from social interactions during her struggle, feeling exhausted by the constant comments.

Seeking Support and Understanding

Professor Joyce Harper of University College London (UCL) emphasizes the importance of opening up about fertility challenges. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,” she said in a Woman’s Hour interview. Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, notes that support can come from unexpected sources. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” she explained, urging individuals to use available counseling services.

Meaningful Acts of Support

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, highlighted how thoughtful gestures from loved ones can ease the burden. After experiencing miscarriages, her friends and family provided consistent care, bringing food, flowers, and vouchers for restaurants “to just have a break.” Her parents and husband also gifted her flowers for Mother’s Day. Elena stressed that even small acts—like texts acknowledging her journey—carry significant weight. “It’s not just the big gestures,” she said. “These little signs show you’re thinking about them.”